Thoughts on Birth, the Third Time Around

So, I am sitting here, thinking about the fact that I am a week overdue. That means that at some point in the next week, I will probably have my baby. I have given birth twice before this, and never felt anything but excitable about the coming labor, but this go around I am nervous. I can't really put my finger down on why, but I am. I hope I have the baby when Jesse and my mom are here, because Jesse can drive me to the hospital, and my mom can attend the birth. Friday night, after we eat dinner would be good... :) But seriously, I am nervous. I have to remind myself that I have done this before, I am going to do well, just like the last two times. Nothing is going to go "wrong".

I am going to do fine.

Maybe it has to do with my already having a little one here. I will have two kids to care for (full time) for the first time in my life. No waiting for the mom to come get her kid so I can get back to my easy only. Nope, I am going to be THE mom. How will Caelin handle this baby? He is still so dependant on me that I am nervous for that. And what if I'm not ready when the baby is born? My house needs to be cleaned, my bags need to be packed. I need to have a plan, and I don't. I am totally lost. I don't want to have outside responsibilities anymore. I am ready to just be me and my babies. I am ready to meet my unborn child, but terrified to do so.

The pain is scaring me. Which is absolutely ridiculous, because I have met that pain before, and I know that it is transient. It will pass, and easily, once the baby comes. And what an amazing thing, to bring a baby into the world. What is there to fear? Why fear the greatest gift God gave us as women? But I do. I fear it with an uneasy sense of foreboding that I can't quite shake. I am still in a form of denial about the baby's coming arrival.

In a way, I am set back from myself, thinking of the "baby" as if it were a future concept, not a looming reality. It is terrifying in a way. Our whole lives are changing. Everything about the way we do it all, every bit of everything, nothing will ever be the same again. Caelin will now be a "Big". He will have responsibilities he probably won't care to have, and will have expectations made of him that wouldn't otherwise be made. His baby status will be obliterated, and someone new will take his place, at least in some small way. And how dare we make that choice for him? How dare we impose our own desire for another baby on the one we already have?

Then again, in a year or so, Caelin will have a little guy to look up to him, someone to play with and keep him company. He'll get to experience the joy of having a sibling, of helping to teach that little one how to do things like him. He'll get to be the big brother, and I think in the end, he'll do a good job.

So I can make this about my son, and pretend that is the reason I am antsy, but I think we all know that is not the case. Maybe partially, but there are much larger issues at play here. I think it has to do with my feeling that I may not be a good mom. I am nervous to screw up more kids' lives than I already have, and I am nervous because everything is going so well. My DHS case is closing this summer, I am graduating drug court (I think) and I have a job. I am going to be like any other mom in any other home, and that makes me nervous. Never have I been without someone checking on me, scolding me when I am not doing so hot, and nodding silent approval when I am. Never have I been so completely without a "parental" figure in the form of DHS. Shoot, I have been involved with them since I was 15, myself. It's been six years, and a lot of heartache later. I lost my daughter, when I didn't truly believe that I could. I almost lost my son, but by the grace of God he was left in my care (under heavy supervision). And now I am having this little one and no one even bats an eye. My caseworker knows I am a good mom, as does everyone else I work with. It seems that I am the one that doubts my own parenting abilities, not them.

So as I approach this third birth with anxiety and fear, I know that I will be okay in the end. Maybe the anxiety is good for me, to help me keep my focus on what matters. Maybe all I need is to calm down and realize that it is what it is and everything will be okay in the end. I don't know.


John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

NESTING!!!

I am an insane woman caught in a vortex of cleaning and scrubbing, throwing out and renewing. My whole house is trashed, as I frenzy about my "cleaning" business. Is it nesting? Possibly, as I am a good four (five?) days overdue. The baby is bound to come soon, let's just hope that it isn't while my house is looking like the victim of a wild tornado!

My living room carpet has been shampooed, everything in the room dusted. The bedroom is being gone through, and much of our stuff is landing in the garbage (shhhh.....my husband doesn't know that part). He's just happy I have energy to clean.

But wait...what kind of energy is this?! I took an hour nap today, but besides that, I haven't slept since the night before last. My house should be spotless by now, but the details take so long to do correctly....my unborn's clothes must be rewashed, because I wouldn't want (her) to breathe in any dust! My bathroom and tub must be bleached, since I wouldn't want (her) exposed to germs! My carpet, (she) will someday crawl on it! Banish the shoes!!! Banish the garbage!!! Banish the coats that clutter the closets!!! Bag up the clothes! Separate the books! Purge and disinfect the toys! Organize the drawers! Work, work, work!!! Clean, clean, clean!!!

Think I might, possibly, be nesting? Me neither.


John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

Why We Are Becoming Minimalists

I imagine living far from civilization, with my husband, children, and animals. I imagine we would live in a small cabin, partially underground so as to disrupt the scenery as little as possible. I imagine three bedrooms, max. Ours, the boys' room, and the girls' room, packed to the brim with people, and bursting at the seams with love. I imagine few toys, fewer electronics, and loads of family time around character-building chores. Where hand sewing is a chore, but also a hobby. Where milking the cow and making butter qualifies as normal. Where little boys play swords with sticks and girls know how to make grass dolls. Where the Bible is fun to read.

I imagine. I imagine that if I don't drastically alter the way I think and behave, imaginings are all they will ever be.

I look around me at our three bedroom town home, in the middle of the city. We have a laptop in the living room, on a huge desk full of games, to keep our big screen TV company. We have a PS3 AND a Wii, and DVD's and VHS's, without which we would surely perish. Our son has a bike, a big dump truck, probably ten cars, three or four baby dolls, countless random toys, more blocks than we can count, and an assortment of stuffed animals. He is two. We have three vacuums. We have a washer and a dryer (which I adore) and a big stove and oven. We have lights in every room, three of which I can see are on right now, even though it is daytime. We have a spare room for guests, even though no one ever seems to come over. I have a sewing machine I haven't touched in months (I do prefer hand sewing). We have TWO toilets. For three people.

In light of all of this, I have made the decision to go minimalist. I have struggled for so long with my possessions, and the list is always growing. I can't even seem to keep my house clean, because I just have SO MUCH that I have to keep in order. And we are only three (soon to be four). When I do clean and organize our things, It feels so much fresher, so much better. I love to throw stuff out and finally feel like I can breathe in a room. But it never seems to last. No sooner do I get everything picked up than someone has come behind me and swept it all back out, no sooner do I throw out useless junk, than it is being replaced by more useless junk. No matter how much space we have or how much storage area is available, we fill it up and overflow it. So I am throwing it away, again. Having a yard sale, benefiting my dream of owning mountain land. I am tired of being a slave to money, a slave to possessions. I am sick of being hurled throughout my life, waiting for the cleaning fairy to come and make it all better.

Onward and upward!


John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

Pregnant Mommy

I am officially two days overdue. Fat and cumbersome, I am dreading each day chasing my little one, who just had a second birthday. He, of course, wants to play and climb and run, and I want to sit and do as little as possible. I eat all the time, and so does he, but he wants to do more.

I have recently become engrossed in survival senarios, what they call in one forum I've been lurking in as SHTF senarios. So I have been putting up dried foods, enjoying my new rabbits, and planning my new camper as a home. Of course, none of these plans get very far, because I am tired and grumpy. I start, and stop, then start again, and stop again. I know I need to get these in order for the baby to come, but I am so lazy. So, so lazy. And then I try to fool myself that I will have more energy once the new baby comes. Yeah, right! Lol.

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

Easter...To Celebrate or No?

I was wandering through Fred Meyers the other day, thinking about what to buy Caelin for Easter. They had some really cute bunny books, chocolate rabbits, marshmallow chicks, candy eggs. Huge, premade baskets could be bought tailored to boy or girl, cars or princesses. Flowers and balloons promised to give my son a special surprise on Easter morning, and cute little outfits begged parents to dress up their adorable babies for their very first Easter egg hunt. All the fun, exciting presents stirred up longing for when I myself was a child, when I would wake up with my brothers and sisters and baskets would be magically placed on the table, waiting for us to gorge on the sweets tucked inside the fake grass and plastic eggs. We would go to church, and a huge Easter egg hunt would ensue at the town park. Afterward, we would all compare prizes, we would count eggs. Who did the best? Who won the most?

As I stared at this plethora of presents demanding that I pay for them in order to make my son happy, I began to wonder....where's Jesus in all of this? What is the real meaning to this holiday, if not our savior?

After all, isn't Jesus why we celebrate on this day? Don't we celebrate Him rising from the dead, triumphing over death so that we might live? Where did Jesus go? We celebrate Easter, and we go to church to hear the good news. But where in Easter is there good news?

Bunny rabbits and Easter eggs and baby chicks are all fertility symbols. Candy is bad for us, and is one of our favorite things to eat on ANY holiday. The term Easter was derived from the Anglo-Saxon 'Eostre,' the name of the goddess of spring. We christians have had a long history with adopted pagan holidays as our own, in an effort to integrate better with this "newer" religion. Christmas is a good example. This difference with Christmas, I think, is some peopel do seem to remember what it is about, and can choose to go secular, pagan, or christian in their celebrations. Not true with Easter. No one seems to remember that this is about God, only that it is about candy.

I have come to what I think is a logical conclusion. I will not celebrate Easter, nor allow my children to. We will take time to remember Christ and his sacrifice, but all the cutsey, stupid traditions that spit in the face of God, we will not participate in. What about you guys? Do you have anything you choose to abstain from, believing it to be unhealthy or detrimental?

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

Dresses Only! and Long Hair!

I have converted BACK to being dresses only! I grew up that way, and really feel most comfortable in a dress. The exception may be swimming or gardening. But I will find ways to get around those. :)

So anyways, I really don't have a huge wardrobe anyways, and so taking out the options of pants and shorts is going to limit me a little,  but that's okay. And I want to take it a step further. I feel like my clothes have been anything but modest, and so I am also cutting out things like really low-cut shirts (I have so many of them!) and short dresses (I have a few of those, too).

I have also started to grow my hair long (which I have wanted to do for a long time) and so have stopped using chemicals on my hair and have begun to french braid all the time, to help me stop plating with it. I was reading an article and it really made me think. It said that by the time hair reaches your shoulders (where it's at on me right now) it is already two years old at the ends. That's two years of blow drying, ironing, dyeing, brushing, shampooing, and anything else you do to your locks. No wonder the ends of mine are all frizzy and gross. So, I have decided to treat it like it's a delicate fabric.

note: can you image how dry and brittle your fingernails would be after two years?


Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

My First Ever Brand New Pans!

This is my new cooking set. I have waited for years to get new pots and pans, and was so excited when the VERY SET I had my eye on went on sale 50% off! It was originally $90, but we got it brand new, from Fred Meyers for only $45!

And my husband was so kind to get it, I was thrilled. We gave away our old pots and pans, since I didn't want to clutter up my kitchen with scratched up goodwill pans that were never decent condition. They were cheap, but also terrible. The one thing I read, that I wanted to imprint on everyone's minds was, "Low-medium heat settings are sufficiant to preform all cooking tasks. Using a high heat temperature can damage your cookware and void the waranty." Says so right on the care manual. So we all were dutifully amazed that high heat would ruin a stainless steel pan, and we all agreed wholeheartedly that we would have to be very careful to use only the correct temperatures with these brandnew, gleaming pans.

About 15 minutes later My dear hubby started to cook. About 20 minutes after that, I noticed the kitchen was getting smokey. I went to see what was burning, and low and behold, Dear Mr. Smith had turned on the wrong burner, and so had one of my brand new pans (the frying one) on high heat WITH NOTHING IN IT!

I was so mad I cried. He got mad at me. I spent the next 45 minutes trying to scrub the pan close to new looking again. And in a sick and twisted way, I really feel like I deserved the  pan being ruined. I have put so much effort to look not poor. I have tried different outfits, am decorating my home, and have always wanted "decent" things to put in my house. Matching dishes, new cooking utensils, pots and pans with lids that fit, not almost, but really fit. So in a way, I do deserve to be knocked down a peg, taken off of my self-created pedestal. Have any of you gone through a similar lesson?

Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Words Caelin Can Say at 22 Months

1. Butter
2. Banana
3. Bread
4. Blueberries
5. Eggs
6. Cheese
7. Pizza
8. Candy
9. Snack
10. Lunch
11. Milk
12. Juice
13. Beans
14. Water
15. Cup
16. Bottle
17. Spoon
18. Eat
19. More
20. Oh No
21. Uh Oh
22. Oh man
23. What is that?
24. I want that/it
25. I don't want that/it
26. Please
27. Kitty Cat "meow"
28. Dog "woof, woof"
29. Puppy
30. Bird
31. Airplane
32. Koala
33. Bear
34. Bug
35. Bee
36. Spider
37. Baby
38. Dump
39. Help
40. Sheep "baaaa"
41. Damn It (how embarressing, but I want to be honest)
42. Bath
43. Bubble
44. Mommy
45. Daddy
46. Chair
47. Potty
48. Bonk
49. Bus
50. Truck
51. Car
52. One
53. Two
54. Three
55. Sharp
56. Owie
57. Beep
58. Flower
59. Rock
60. Grass
61. Eeww
62. Snuggle
63. Hot
64. Warm
65. Cold
66. Blanket
67. Eye
68. Nose
69. Ear
70. Hair
71. Coffee
72. School
73. Tree
74. Horse "neigh"
75. Cow "moo"
76. Foot
77. Bike
78. Dressed
79. Pants
80. Shirt
81. Socks
82. Undies
83. Shoes
84. Hat
85. Head
86. Garbage
87. Smoke
88. Fish
89. Ball
90. Park
91. Walk
92. Run
93. Fast
94. Butterfly
95. Vaccuum
96. Up
97. Outside
98. Frog
99. Hop
100. Jump
101. Burp
102. Fart
103. Poop
104. Pee
105. Uckie
106. Boy
107. Book
108. Bed
109. All Done
110. Sweep
111. Spray
112. Paint
113. Draw
114. Doll
115. Diaper
116. Tummy
117. Teeth
118. Cheek
119. Eyebrow
120. Work
121. Home
122. Camera
123. Belly
124. TV
125. Coat
126. Sissors
127. Tea
128. Butt
129. Penis
130. Strawberry
131. Hide
132. Hi
133. Bye
134. Boob
135. Pan
136. Moon
137. Star
138. Excuse Me
139. Thank you
140. Monkey
141. Block
142. Stack
143. Boom
144. Mine
145. Keys
146. Sit
147. Stand
148. Gabby
149. Jake
150. Jesse
151. Lupe
152. Corrine
153. Irma
154. Nana (grandma)
155. Gramma
156. Hunny
157. Grape
158. Apple
159. BooBoo (Faith)
160. Blake
161. Light
162. Duck
163. Mop
164. Bite
165. Pen
166. Mess
167. Money
168. Ice
169. Money
170. Penny


So there's a pretty good list, I think. I know he says more, but I just can't think of them right now. So as I remember, I'll put them on. Only for today, though. Since I want to be honest about his abilities. Pretty amazing, though, right?

31 Weeks Pregnant! Already!

So I was thinking about it, and I'm really about to pop! I only have about two more months to go before I have a new baby, and the way this pregnancy has been flying by, It really wouldn't surprize me if I woke up tomorrow and gave birth! Lol. It's crazy to think that so soon our lives will be so drastically altered...I mean, there are times even now that I forget I am pregnant. I really feel good this time around, and although I have gained a ton of weight (for me) the fact that I am pregnant doesn't slow me down as much as I would think that it might. Of course, I still have two more months of growing this baby to go, so I may change my mind in the future. Oh, and I have decided for certain that I am only having one, not twins. By this stage I feel pretty confident that I would have noticed for sure if there were more in there. Bummer, but oh well. Still, I would love to be blessed with two.

And I know the minute my pretty baby is born, I'll be happy it was only one, and not two.

Learning How to be Somebody Else Entirely

So I have been reading a lot more lately (we chose to cancle our cable service), and I have tried to choose benificial things to be reading. The articles are amazing, and hard to grasp, in a way. I have realized for quite some time now that my dear boy needs a little more guidance than he is getting. My house needs to be cleaner, I need to turn the tv on less (or not at all), and I need to be a better more involved manager of this complex. All these things are big, heavy things, and I was having a difficult time thinking of doing them all.

Well, a few blogs that I have stumbled across have guided me in the right direction, I believe. Basically, I have read and heard, "get off your lazy butt and DO something!". Of course, my husband has said the same thing, but why would I listen to him? It's not like I have to submit to him or anything, right? Lol, just kidding. But seriously. So I have decided to get off my lazy butt and do something for a change. Like, make my kid regular meals. and clean the house, irregardless of WHO'S urine sprayed all over the toilet, or who left the dishes to rot in the sink.

The other day, my husband got upset because I asked him to wash his blanket. "That's not my resposibility!" he whined. Okay, maybe he didn't whine, but those WERE his words. And, of course, I got mad at him and drug out the long list of things that I do that I don't think are my responsibility, or at least not alone. He washed his blanket, I think. But he was upset. I took something minor and turned it on him to where he perhaps felt like I don't notice anything he does for us. He does work outside the home, after all. While he is out painting apartments, or pulling up carpet, I so often am sitting at home, doing my very best to ignore my son, on the computer. No wonder he thinks I should keep the house up. All he ever sees me do is exercise my fingers.

I do want to be fair to myself and say, honestly, that I am the only one who ever thinks to clean anything but the kitchen and livingroom. Which means the bathrooms. Our roommate refuses to help, because he feels like he couldn't POSSIBLY splash urine on the toilet or shed skin in the bathtub. But that;s another post entirely. And I don't want to start attacking people, which is where I think I'm going.



Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

The Never Ending Story....

At least for me. Does it ever seem like we mothers of toddlers go in circles each day, ending further behind at the end of the day than we started?
I know I feel like that.

Today half of the afternoon was spent trying to convince my son that he was, in fact, tired. The other half was spent picking up the daily messes, trying to do laundry and dishes, with each attempt being thwarted by the ever increasing piles of laundry and dishes! My son dumped/crumbled food all over my living room, while simutaneously scattering my WORK PAPERS all over the fishstick-encrusted floor. Ugh!

While I was doing the dishes he thought it would be fun to clean the INSIDE of the fishtank...with the sponge used (with chemicals, no less) on the floor. Then he climbed up the cat tree and pulled it down on himself. Now he's insisting (for the third time in 15 minutes) that he is hungry, so hungry.

My kitchen counter is covered in dirty dishes (again?!), my living room is thrashed (still?!) and I am ready to lock myself in the bathroom to clean the toilets that no one else ever seems to get to, just for some peace and quiet. Oh yeah, except my husband and brother are still out working and won't be back until.....time undetirmined.  Yippee frickin do.

Newborn Essentials

As I am getting ready for my baby to arrive, I am faced with the dilemma of what to buy in prepration of the baby's birth. Here are a list of things I REALLY used with my last baby.

#1 Onsies or Kimono style teeshirts
#2 Recieving Blankets (my daughter hated these, my son loved them)
#3 Sling of some sort (not the ones you buy with all the little buckles, the straps are too narrow to be comfy)
#4 Diapers (I like cloth)
#5 Socks
#6 Nighties with open bottoms

That's pretty much it. Of course, you'll also want a carseat if your baby is going into the car. And maybe a few pairs of pants, if you have to strap the baby into anything. I always just used a purse or backpack to throw a few diapers into it.

This Pregnancy....

This pregnancy has been hard, espessially when it comes to back pain and fatigue. I have been SOOO exhausted this pregnancy. Carrying my toddler is probably partly to blame, the strain he puts on my back when I'm trying to stand up with this HUGE belly is amazing. My current favorite thing to do is relax in a HOT tub of water.

Ideas About Birth

When I think of my birth, when I dream of my baby being born, it is calm and quiet. I am kneeling on the floor, and reach down to touch my baby's head. I am always amazed that the head is there, coming so quickly. It never hurts too bad, and I am amazed by this. I am always alone, or Scott is sitting on the couch, acting oblivious.

When I think of it "logically", I think that something could go wrong. I realize that the baby could be hurt somehow...and yet I know it won't be. The thought of giving birth alone is surprising, amazing. I think of the shock of people, and the inevitable defence of my actions. I think of the calm after, being able to sleep soon after the birth. Seeing my baby, and not worrying about having to go home. Taking a shower when I want to, and not being followed, unless I ask for it. Or being allowed to stay in the tub as long as I want. Or getting out. The thrill of enjoying my baby with no one else to take it from me. Not that the midwives did, but they sure bothered me alot. I remember being so irritated that they wouldn't just leave me alone. Birthing at home would eliminate that. Birthing alone.

Picture is of Caelin, my waterbirth at Bella Vie Birthing Center.

$700 Freakin Dollars?!

It's amazing how expensive it can be to learn new things...especially when we are wanting something that is "proven" to teach us. But why would we want anything else? Rosetta Stone looks like an awesome, incredible opportunity to learn new languages, but OMG! I had NO idea it would cost so much. And if you buy each level separately, the price jumps to more than $1400. I am going to do it, to learn Spanish, but I think the price is going to set me back at least two months. Oh well, I guess. :)

Washing Machine!

OKay, so I have lived the last year of my life with no acces to a washing machine, and have made the best of it, and even said I prefered it that way.....

But I lied. I just bought a washer and dryer for $125 off of Craigslist, and I am estatic. I have washed three loads, and it is simply amazing how I can stumble out of bed and five minutes later, I am doing laundry. No half an hour getting to the laundrymat...after waiting all month to have money....only to sit, bored and cold, for three hours waiting for my clothes to finally finish. No more gathering up the most essential items and scrubbing them for hours, trying to get the grime out, before having to find someplace to hang them dry.

No. I stumble out of bed, switch the laundry from one machine to the other, and start a new load, and it might TOPS take five minutes. Maybe. I love it.

Living With the Land

Lately, I have been longing to go back to my roots...back to human roots. Scott and I have been talking, and we are thinking the way to be is self sufficiant. I think we very well may pack up and leave it all behind. I would love to raise my son and any other children I have in the natural beauty of God's earth. I also realize that if everyone were to move to the "wilds" in order to raise their children to be in love with the earth, the wilds would completely dissapear and we would all be left with nothing. I am torn in half.

Do you have specific ways you teach your children stewardship of the earth? Lesson plans or maybe just lifestyle choices? I would love to hear of them....in the end I may just try to buy a small property in town or just outside, and learn to do the whole urban homesteading lifestyle. I just really want to learn these things....

Twins?

Surprise! We may be cooking twins! Probably not, but I am sufficiantly excited by the prospect. I feel very called to the quiverful movement and would love to get it off to a jump with a couple!

My First Prenatal Appointment

Our unborn baby is 17 weeks along...we are almost at the half way mark! I am going to have this baby at Bella Vie, just like my son, but strangely, I am almost sad. I think the next one will be born at home.

The baby's name will be Temperance if it's a girl, and I think I like Elizabeth for a middle name (after my Gramma). Temperance Elizabeth. If it's a boy, his name will be Tristan Rain. Named after this awsome guy I met on the greyhound bus. Scott's family wants me to put Chambers in there somewhere, but I just really don't like the name, at least not with any names I have picked out. I want it to be a girl. We aren't getting an ultrasound, because we can't afford one, but also because there is rewslly no reason to have one. I am sure of the age of the baby, and certain that I wouldn't want to know about any deformities beforehand. I would never have an abortion and would rather deal with any surprises under the infuence of love hormones.

I owe so much money to the birthing center. Caelin's birth was totally worth it, but MAN! We will have to pay $450 every month just to whittle the balance down 75%. We have to do it in order to birth at the center. I have been told "just go to the hospital" but really, this birth has nothing to do with the price. I would owe the money either way.

And this coming baby will be paid for by OHP.

GOODNESS!

We're Pregnant!

The husband and I are expceting a new baby! I am two months pregnant today and we have a due date of May 23, 2010. We're all hoping for a girl, but will be happy with whatever we get. (not really, we want a girl).

Hurray!

I have been so sick, and it makes it hard to get off of my butt and work, and I have really been wanting to wean Caelin, my breasts are so sensitive. The picture is a photo of a baby at the same delopement as our new baby. aparently our baby already has all it's teeth budsand it's almost completely formed. Four more weeks, and the whole physical body of our baby will be formed!