Thursday, June 3, 2010

Water Broke!

So this is odd, I had imagined a gush, like last time, followed by incredibly intense contractions....but, there seems to be nothing more going on than fluid leaking from me. I know I was dilated quite a bit (I thought I was, anyways) because I checked a couple times. But no pushing urges, no nothing. My house isn't done. Maybe that's why. I will continue to moniter and clean, and we'll see what happens! :)

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

In Labor

I have to say, today when I woke up I knew for a fact I was in labor. It wasn't super painful, and I was real relaxed (I still haven't told anyone I KNOW) but it was very obvious. I keep getting scared Scott will realize what's going on and call the hospital...

So I am sending him away for a visit to his mom's. When the labor is emminant, I will call him and let i=him know, so he doesn't have to worry about us. Meanwhile, I am getting the house cleaned up and doing some makeup, maybe. But definately cleaning house. I would hate to have a baby and come home to a filthy home. I am going to cook some soup, too, to eat during my labor.

My brother should be here tonight, and my mom will be here early tomorrow morning. what crazy timing! Oh, crap, I just realized, I don't know what we're naming the baby for a middle name!

I know. If it's a girl I will give her Temperance Cathleen Smith, and for a boy he'd be Tristan Alan Smith.
If a girl, she gets my and my mom's middle, if a boy he gets Scott's and his dad's middle. There. Decision made. :)

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Thoughts on Birth, the Third Time Around

So, I am sitting here, thinking about the fact that I am a week overdue. That means that at some point in the next week, I will probably have my baby. I have given birth twice before this, and never felt anything but excitable about the coming labor, but this go around I am nervous. I can't really put my finger down on why, but I am. I hope I have the baby when Jesse and my mom are here, because Jesse can drive me to the hospital, and my mom can attend the birth. Friday night, after we eat dinner would be good... :) But seriously, I am nervous. I have to remind myself that I have done this before, I am going to do well, just like the last two times. Nothing is going to go "wrong".

I am going to do fine.

Maybe it has to do with my already having a little one here. I will have two kids to care for (full time) for the first time in my life. No waiting for the mom to come get her kid so I can get back to my easy only. Nope, I am going to be THE mom. How will Caelin handle this baby? He is still so dependant on me that I am nervous for that. And what if I'm not ready when the baby is born? My house needs to be cleaned, my bags need to be packed. I need to have a plan, and I don't. I am totally lost. I don't want to have outside responsibilities anymore. I am ready to just be me and my babies. I am ready to meet my unborn child, but terrified to do so.

The pain is scaring me. Which is absolutely ridiculous, because I have met that pain before, and I know that it is transient. It will pass, and easily, once the baby comes. And what an amazing thing, to bring a baby into the world. What is there to fear? Why fear the greatest gift God gave us as women? But I do. I fear it with an uneasy sense of foreboding that I can't quite shake. I am still in a form of denial about the baby's coming arrival.

In a way, I am set back from myself, thinking of the "baby" as if it were a future concept, not a looming reality. It is terrifying in a way. Our whole lives are changing. Everything about the way we do it all, every bit of everything, nothing will ever be the same again. Caelin will now be a "Big". He will have responsibilities he probably won't care to have, and will have expectations made of him that wouldn't otherwise be made. His baby status will be obliterated, and someone new will take his place, at least in some small way. And how dare we make that choice for him? How dare we impose our own desire for another baby on the one we already have?

Then again, in a year or so, Caelin will have a little guy to look up to him, someone to play with and keep him company. He'll get to experience the joy of having a sibling, of helping to teach that little one how to do things like him. He'll get to be the big brother, and I think in the end, he'll do a good job.

So I can make this about my son, and pretend that is the reason I am antsy, but I think we all know that is not the case. Maybe partially, but there are much larger issues at play here. I think it has to do with my feeling that I may not be a good mom. I am nervous to screw up more kids' lives than I already have, and I am nervous because everything is going so well. My DHS case is closing this summer, I am graduating drug court (I think) and I have a job. I am going to be like any other mom in any other home, and that makes me nervous. Never have I been without someone checking on me, scolding me when I am not doing so hot, and nodding silent approval when I am. Never have I been so completely without a "parental" figure in the form of DHS. Shoot, I have been involved with them since I was 15, myself. It's been six years, and a lot of heartache later. I lost my daughter, when I didn't truly believe that I could. I almost lost my son, but by the grace of God he was left in my care (under heavy supervision). And now I am having this little one and no one even bats an eye. My caseworker knows I am a good mom, as does everyone else I work with. It seems that I am the one that doubts my own parenting abilities, not them.

So as I approach this third birth with anxiety and fear, I know that I will be okay in the end. Maybe the anxiety is good for me, to help me keep my focus on what matters. Maybe all I need is to calm down and realize that it is what it is and everything will be okay in the end. I don't know.

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."


I am an insane woman caught in a vortex of cleaning and scrubbing, throwing out and renewing. My whole house is trashed, as I frenzy about my "cleaning" business. Is it nesting? Possibly, as I am a good four (five?) days overdue. The baby is bound to come soon, let's just hope that it isn't while my house is looking like the victim of a wild tornado!

My living room carpet has been shampooed, everything in the room dusted. The bedroom is being gone through, and much of our stuff is landing in the garbage ( husband doesn't know that part). He's just happy I have energy to clean.

But wait...what kind of energy is this?! I took an hour nap today, but besides that, I haven't slept since the night before last. My house should be spotless by now, but the details take so long to do unborn's clothes must be rewashed, because I wouldn't want (her) to breathe in any dust! My bathroom and tub must be bleached, since I wouldn't want (her) exposed to germs! My carpet, (she) will someday crawl on it! Banish the shoes!!! Banish the garbage!!! Banish the coats that clutter the closets!!! Bag up the clothes! Separate the books! Purge and disinfect the toys! Organize the drawers! Work, work, work!!! Clean, clean, clean!!!

Think I might, possibly, be nesting? Me neither.

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

Why We Are Becoming Minimalists

I imagine living far from civilization, with my husband, children, and animals. I imagine we would live in a small cabin, partially underground so as to disrupt the scenery as little as possible. I imagine three bedrooms, max. Ours, the boys' room, and the girls' room, packed to the brim with people, and bursting at the seams with love. I imagine few toys, fewer electronics, and loads of family time around character-building chores. Where hand sewing is a chore, but also a hobby. Where milking the cow and making butter qualifies as normal. Where little boys play swords with sticks and girls know how to make grass dolls. Where the Bible is fun to read.

I imagine. I imagine that if I don't drastically alter the way I think and behave, imaginings are all they will ever be.

I look around me at our three bedroom town home, in the middle of the city. We have a laptop in the living room, on a huge desk full of games, to keep our big screen TV company. We have a PS3 AND a Wii, and DVD's and VHS's, without which we would surely perish. Our son has a bike, a big dump truck, probably ten cars, three or four baby dolls, countless random toys, more blocks than we can count, and an assortment of stuffed animals. He is two. We have three vacuums. We have a washer and a dryer (which I adore) and a big stove and oven. We have lights in every room, three of which I can see are on right now, even though it is daytime. We have a spare room for guests, even though no one ever seems to come over. I have a sewing machine I haven't touched in months (I do prefer hand sewing). We have TWO toilets. For three people.

In light of all of this, I have made the decision to go minimalist. I have struggled for so long with my possessions, and the list is always growing. I can't even seem to keep my house clean, because I just have SO MUCH that I have to keep in order. And we are only three (soon to be four). When I do clean and organize our things, It feels so much fresher, so much better. I love to throw stuff out and finally feel like I can breathe in a room. But it never seems to last. No sooner do I get everything picked up than someone has come behind me and swept it all back out, no sooner do I throw out useless junk, than it is being replaced by more useless junk. No matter how much space we have or how much storage area is available, we fill it up and overflow it. So I am throwing it away, again. Having a yard sale, benefiting my dream of owning mountain land. I am tired of being a slave to money, a slave to possessions. I am sick of being hurled throughout my life, waiting for the cleaning fairy to come and make it all better.

Onward and upward!

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."