Saturday, May 29, 2010

Thoughts on Birth, the Third Time Around

So, I am sitting here, thinking about the fact that I am a week overdue. That means that at some point in the next week, I will probably have my baby. I have given birth twice before this, and never felt anything but excitable about the coming labor, but this go around I am nervous. I can't really put my finger down on why, but I am. I hope I have the baby when Jesse and my mom are here, because Jesse can drive me to the hospital, and my mom can attend the birth. Friday night, after we eat dinner would be good... :) But seriously, I am nervous. I have to remind myself that I have done this before, I am going to do well, just like the last two times. Nothing is going to go "wrong".

I am going to do fine.

Maybe it has to do with my already having a little one here. I will have two kids to care for (full time) for the first time in my life. No waiting for the mom to come get her kid so I can get back to my easy only. Nope, I am going to be THE mom. How will Caelin handle this baby? He is still so dependant on me that I am nervous for that. And what if I'm not ready when the baby is born? My house needs to be cleaned, my bags need to be packed. I need to have a plan, and I don't. I am totally lost. I don't want to have outside responsibilities anymore. I am ready to just be me and my babies. I am ready to meet my unborn child, but terrified to do so.

The pain is scaring me. Which is absolutely ridiculous, because I have met that pain before, and I know that it is transient. It will pass, and easily, once the baby comes. And what an amazing thing, to bring a baby into the world. What is there to fear? Why fear the greatest gift God gave us as women? But I do. I fear it with an uneasy sense of foreboding that I can't quite shake. I am still in a form of denial about the baby's coming arrival.

In a way, I am set back from myself, thinking of the "baby" as if it were a future concept, not a looming reality. It is terrifying in a way. Our whole lives are changing. Everything about the way we do it all, every bit of everything, nothing will ever be the same again. Caelin will now be a "Big". He will have responsibilities he probably won't care to have, and will have expectations made of him that wouldn't otherwise be made. His baby status will be obliterated, and someone new will take his place, at least in some small way. And how dare we make that choice for him? How dare we impose our own desire for another baby on the one we already have?

Then again, in a year or so, Caelin will have a little guy to look up to him, someone to play with and keep him company. He'll get to experience the joy of having a sibling, of helping to teach that little one how to do things like him. He'll get to be the big brother, and I think in the end, he'll do a good job.

So I can make this about my son, and pretend that is the reason I am antsy, but I think we all know that is not the case. Maybe partially, but there are much larger issues at play here. I think it has to do with my feeling that I may not be a good mom. I am nervous to screw up more kids' lives than I already have, and I am nervous because everything is going so well. My DHS case is closing this summer, I am graduating drug court (I think) and I have a job. I am going to be like any other mom in any other home, and that makes me nervous. Never have I been without someone checking on me, scolding me when I am not doing so hot, and nodding silent approval when I am. Never have I been so completely without a "parental" figure in the form of DHS. Shoot, I have been involved with them since I was 15, myself. It's been six years, and a lot of heartache later. I lost my daughter, when I didn't truly believe that I could. I almost lost my son, but by the grace of God he was left in my care (under heavy supervision). And now I am having this little one and no one even bats an eye. My caseworker knows I am a good mom, as does everyone else I work with. It seems that I am the one that doubts my own parenting abilities, not them.

So as I approach this third birth with anxiety and fear, I know that I will be okay in the end. Maybe the anxiety is good for me, to help me keep my focus on what matters. Maybe all I need is to calm down and realize that it is what it is and everything will be okay in the end. I don't know.

John 10:30 "I and my Father are one."

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